Miasma Is Acting Up

Canada

Left Coast Smells Like Toast

I live in a roughly rectangle-shaped Canadian province bigger than California (British Columbia) that consists of towns and cities, interspersed by mountains, forests, and a dash of bears. Situated to the left is a huge body of water, which provides us with a temperate climate. Thanks, Pacific Ocean, for giving us our precipitation which, in its haste to make us all wet, occasionally falls sideways.

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Unlike California, however, we are much more sparsely populated, and not as many of us shop at Whole Foods or own monkeys.

Every summer, however, lightning strikes and errant cigarettes cause wildfires in the interior of the province. This results in the smoke of these fires drifting over to the coastal cities, to hover over us like a malodorous eiderdown. Each year is worse than the one previous – not unlike the Transformers franchise. It has been like this for many weeks now,  a haze in the air carrying with it all the toxins that the Surgeon General warned us about.


Miasma Is Acting Up

We are told that the resultant toxic miasma is the equivalent to the smoking of 7 cigarettes. My sister (she has an awesome brother, but is quite formidable in her own right) quipped that it was only a matter of time until the federal government started taxing us for those free cigarettes we are smoking. That line, as they say, had legs, and I related it to all and sundry to varying degrees of dry chuckles, which may have been due to the particulate matter in the air.

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Vancouver. Cloaked in a sexy smoky shroud. You can tell a lot about a city by how it wears its smoke.

In any case, all vigorous outdoor activity has been curtailed, since the air quality is in the ‘danger’ zone, especially for the elderly and those with existing respiratory ailments. Those of who love to run outdoors (me and roughly half the population of Vancouver) must now run inside like mad hamsters, until the air quality goes back to normal. That is, when we are only breathing in the exhaust of thousands of Humvees and Escalades vying for dominance.


Avian. It’s What’s For Dinner

The decreased visibility has grounded aircraft, resulting in more airspace for birds. They are enjoying a respite from being sucked into the fuselage of airliners. As we creep into fall, and the wildfires are brought under control, the avian carnage will once again resume.

It beggars comprehension how a flock can negotiate through such an impenetrable cloud. Some say they use the earth’s magnetism, using a mineral called magnetite that is located above their beak. That seems to smack of junk science to me, and I prefer to think that the flock leader uses an Internet Cafe wearing a false beard.

JERK CHICK


Zombie Apocalypse Imminent?

Is this tied to global warming? Will we all be sporting bandannas and be indistinguishable from bank robbers? Will this warrant a Netflix series, starring Nick Nolte as a grizzled fire chief? Nobody knows. Now I must return to my hamster wheel.

Thanks for reading about our little ‘crisis’ – may your visibility be limitless and free of carcinogens.AIN

 

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Canadian money: a funny, and quick lesson!

Canada, humor

640x640_11352239.jpgA short (boo hiss) break from my comics and such. For absolutely no reason, here is a short primer on OUR currency. Thankfully I am so rich, I never have to TOUCH the stuff. Ever notice that? The richer one is, the less contact they actually have with ACTUAL money. I always let my butler carry a satchel or whatever it is the proles carry their filthy lucre in. I buy sight unseen and it goes directly in my storage locker unseen. It’s like it never happened! (Sorry, rich joke there, how we laugh)

We know you’re interested in our quaint money, rest of the world! Don’t pretend otherwise. Canadian money. We have it. We stopped using fish hooks and pelts at least twenty years or more ago. As weak and sickly as it is compared to the mighty US dollar (and many other currencies), I have a soft spot for it. It is so cute compared to, say, heavy English money that drags your trousers down. I will expound on our currency here. Why? Because I like telling people stuff about this country I am so proud of! Who’s a good country? Why, you are, Canada!

We have recently abolished the penny because of all the train derailments, and the denominations are as follows:

nickel (5 cents)

dime (10 cents)

quarter (25 cents)

loonie (one dollar) – so named because of the depiction of the loon on the coin.

 

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toonie (2 dollars) – so named because it is TWO loonies, or a TOONIE. Get it? For awhile, people called it a ‘Doubloonie’, but it never caught on. Occasionally, I have seen the gold centre part pop out. Then you have yourself a rarest of coins, absolutely worthless but cute as all-get-out.

 

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Our bills come in fives, tens, twenties, fifties, hundreds, and even higher denominations which have seldom seen in my wallet, and are usually found in the pockets of money launderers at casinos. For shits and giggles, here is an old TWO dollar bill I have, which are no longer circulated. It still blows my mind that we actually used these bills! Dig the colour? Kind of a Pepto-Bismal pink.

20170903_115422.jpg20170903_115435.jpgIt all looks like play money, but this is all legal tender. Our latest bills are fiendishly difficult to counterfeit, but does not stop criminals from trying. Here is an example of a legit bill. Note the fine line work, watermarks, transparency. It’s like an early Rembrandt!

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That is the cheerful countenance of Sir Wilfred Laurier, a former PM. The PM is the head of our government. Our current one is Justin Trudeau, son of late PM Pierre Trudeau. Oh and by the way, this bill is equal to 40 fishhooks or 20% of a beaver pelt. One time, as a joke, I asked for change for a twenty, then handed over . . . a five! Never tried that again.

 

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This is our ten dollar bill. Note the parts of it that are see-through. This security feature is so you can count your bills at an ATM and see any thieves or robbers that may be trying to attack you. There are even Braille dots so as to thwart thieves who are always asking blind or partly sighted people to give them 5 twenties for this 100% ‘legit’ hundred dollar bill. Because there is nothing suspicious about asking for change for exorbitantly large bills.

The feel of the bill is unique, very smooth, like mylar. Not quite sexy, but getting there. A colour photocopier will no longer do the trick. The good old days, when you could go to Kinko’s and run off some hundreds. HAHA kidding, authorities who may have detected the word ‘counterfeit’ and ‘currency in some algorithm and are now sending the RCMP to my residence. I never did it, though I thought about it, I decided that working legitimately for it was actually LESS work than the tedium and gruelling nature of setting up a counterfeit ring.

All our money has a likeness of our monarch, Queen Elizabeth II.

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Queen Elizabeth II, queen since 1952, oldest reigning monarch.

Why? No, she is not our ultimate boss nor can she (any longer) order beheadings. Ok, before Canada was a country, Great Britain was ruled by kings and queens, just like in fairy tales. Early settlers to this country came here in part because they didn’t LIKE their king or queen. (And a lot still don’t to this day) And they wanted fresh water that did not have human turds floating in it.

 

Still with me? British, French, Dutch, and Spanish colonies were settled, on land that had been home to First Nations (formerly referred to as Native Indians or, less derogatively, as indigenous peoples) people for thousands of years. Wars were fought, treaties signed until Britain controlled almost all the colonies. Some of the colonies turned around and fought to be free of Britain, as well. They won their freedom and joined together into a fledgling little country known as the USA. Colonies to the north of them remained British and continued to be ruled by British kings and queens.

There. That, in a nutshell, is why the queen is on all of our money. When she passes on, her son Charles

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Prince Charles, not to mistaken for the King Charles spaniel. His ears are bigger.

is the ‘heir apparent’ and will wear the king’s hat.  After him, HIS son William is the next in line for the non-porcelain throne. You know him from such sitcoms as the 6 o’clock news, and every magazine cover, except Inked, that tattoo magazine.

Well, I hope you found this edifying or, perhaps, a cause for mirth. You guys are so lame! Who has a queen? Is it true that she has her own toilet that she brings with her everywhere? We Canadians (or Canucks) are proud of our country but not to the extent of Americans, who wear their patriotism on their sleeve more than we do.

Thanks for checking this post out. The cartoons will resume shortly. I have quite a backlog of material and . . . hey why is everyone running away screaming?

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Prince William, his brother is Harry, and their mum was the late Princess Diana.